Music

Today, I was at AC Moore looking for some stuff for work. All the sudden I realized I was humming 'Sweet Home Alabama' as it was playing in the store. I was a little embarrassed and stopped. Then, as I walked around the store, I saw a mother dancing with her baby, then a young lady singing out loud and an older lady dancing and humming. It is wonderful how music makes so many people, of all ages happy!

Autumn

As the weather gets cooler and the holidays get closer I am filled with mixed emotions. I love this time of year, the beauty of the leaves changing colors and being able to wear sweatshirts and jeans! There are so many fun times right around the corner with Halloween, Thanksgiving, black Friday, Christmas and New Years all within a few months! But with the changing of the leaves comes the reminder of the changes of myself and others with seasonal depression. The lack of sunlight, though I thoroughly enjoy the cold weather, brings out the worst in me. I get moody and never want to leave my couch let alone the house! It is ironic, and just my luck, that my favorite seasons, Fall and Winter, are tarnished with my attitude and unwillingness to leave my house! I hate taking medication and have not done so in years. Every year, I think I can do it myself if I just stay aware of it and motivate myself, and yet every year, I fail. Last year, I used a Happy Light, yes, that is it's actual name. It did seem to help, when I used it! The thing is that I wouldn't want to get off the couch to be around it, and if it was by the couch, it would be too bright for me to enjoy the TV. Even now, as I am writing this, I am trying to think of where I went wrong and how I can make it through without medication yet again......I am hopeless!

I am on my way!

So I have lost 7 pounds since I started following some diet guidelines from the book. It doesn't sound like much, but considering in a year, I lost nothing, 7 pounds in 4 weeks is great! I have been slacking on my exercise and that is why it is going slower I am sure. I try to work out every night for at least 1/2 hour. I love to use my Wii Fit and my Dance Dance Revolution. When I use my DDR, I am usually on it for over an hour! I am still smoking though. I am trying to not smoke in my house right now. I am doing ok, though the last few days were not so good. I know once I loose more weight, and am closer to my goal, I will stop because I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I only have 18 more pounds to loose to go to the doctors! I am hoping to set up an appointment in October!!!!! I am really glad that PCOS has been a wake up call for me. It has also given me a rhyme and reason for my weight gain. I feel like I have more control and power now. I have been reading a lot of information and blogs about PCOS and I really have been able to feel like a normal person. One thing I know for sure is how great of a husband I have. He is so supportive and loving! My goal is to be writing in a month and informing everyone that I only have 10 pounds to go........

Getting Serious

Ok, so I always say I want a baby so bad, but yet I am having trouble doing what I need to do. Today I went out and bought a book on PCOS and wow! I mean I knew it caused a few things such as my weight gain and infertility, but I had no idea that it also causes many other things. First, and the most important to me right now, is the inability to loose weight. I have been struggling. Every time I think I am doing good, the scale says I am doing the same as before I started replacing the cookies with carrots so I give in and say forget it. Every thing from depression to anxiety to the feeling of not wanting to be in the same room as another person for no good reason is all linked to PCOS. Now for those who know me, I do not read. I am very slow at reading compared to most so I have only read the introduction and chapter one so far, but I am really glad I bought this book. In a previous post I wrote that I felt alone and that I basically felt trapped, this book has already changed that. It starts with all the basic information but then later, in chapters 6 on, it tells you how to control PCOS in all situations from hair loss to excessive hair and so forth through natural and medical treatments. The first chapter had a few short stories about women, and you could of put my name in their place and it would all be true! The book is called, "A Patient's Guide to PCOS, Understanding and Reversing Polycystic Ovary Syndrome" If you or someone you know has PCOS, buy this book. It addresses everything, not just the infertility.

More on Life

So I sat there, holding my cousins baby and I realized that babies actually make me very happy. I held him and was just taken back by the miracle he is. I guess, I think that nothing dies in me when I see pregnant women or babies. It is more that after I am done oohing and aahing, I just get so sad. I said to my husband today, it is so hard, yet there is a chance I have to live with this the rest of my life and I really need to focus more on the miracle. I was doing good until Jason held the baby. He is such a natural. He looked so right. I feel like I am robbing him of this. I started to well up so I looked away real quick. Jason kept getting my attention so that I could see something cute that the baby was doing, he had no idea of the sadness I felt. I really just do not know how so many women deal with this great sadness. In conclusion, I believe that the only time a part of me dies is when I see a mother that takes it for granted. One that doesn't take care of themselves or their baby. The other times, I just seem to think, why not me too God? I want to be a part of that miracle so badly.

Why Can't Life be Fair?

I just spent the evening in the Women's and Babies hospital. I sat there as support for my younger cousin, she is only 18. There were so many mixed emotions going through my head. I felt concern, love, happiness, self-pitty and resentment. I want so desperately to be in her place. I want a baby of my own. I am 30, married and would love nothing more then to have a baby. Why is it like this? Why does God give a baby to a child, and not to me? I want to be a good support for my cousin, someone she knows she can count on at all times, day or night, but it is so hard to not break down in tears. I want a baby so bad, but yet cannot seem to lose the weight I need to to continue to try. Why can't I have that will power? I am stuck and feel like I will never be free from this. I try to be so strong and rationalize things. I don't let people know how hard it is to see a pregnant person or a baby, but every time I see one, a little part of me dies inside. I feel so hopeless, so alone. I know that many people are in my situation, yet I still feel this way. I am so depressed.

Leaves

As a leaf in the the tree, I sway with the breeze
With hundreds more just like me.
Come out of your house, come closer to me
I am unique, that you will see.
From a far, from my voice you would not even know
What race am I, am I high or am I low?
Come closer to me, you are still way too far.
At the base of this tree, I am still just a blur.
I want to show you this tear and this hole
I might just show you something that touches your soul.
Climb up the trunk and out on the limb
There is nothing to fear it is a win-win.
We can bask in the sunlight till fall arrives.
Sharing stories and laughs, opening each other's eyes
To the beauty within and the beauty around
By true friendship then, we will be bound.