More on Life

So I sat there, holding my cousins baby and I realized that babies actually make me very happy. I held him and was just taken back by the miracle he is. I guess, I think that nothing dies in me when I see pregnant women or babies. It is more that after I am done oohing and aahing, I just get so sad. I said to my husband today, it is so hard, yet there is a chance I have to live with this the rest of my life and I really need to focus more on the miracle. I was doing good until Jason held the baby. He is such a natural. He looked so right. I feel like I am robbing him of this. I started to well up so I looked away real quick. Jason kept getting my attention so that I could see something cute that the baby was doing, he had no idea of the sadness I felt. I really just do not know how so many women deal with this great sadness. In conclusion, I believe that the only time a part of me dies is when I see a mother that takes it for granted. One that doesn't take care of themselves or their baby. The other times, I just seem to think, why not me too God? I want to be a part of that miracle so badly.

Why Can't Life be Fair?

I just spent the evening in the Women's and Babies hospital. I sat there as support for my younger cousin, she is only 18. There were so many mixed emotions going through my head. I felt concern, love, happiness, self-pitty and resentment. I want so desperately to be in her place. I want a baby of my own. I am 30, married and would love nothing more then to have a baby. Why is it like this? Why does God give a baby to a child, and not to me? I want to be a good support for my cousin, someone she knows she can count on at all times, day or night, but it is so hard to not break down in tears. I want a baby so bad, but yet cannot seem to lose the weight I need to to continue to try. Why can't I have that will power? I am stuck and feel like I will never be free from this. I try to be so strong and rationalize things. I don't let people know how hard it is to see a pregnant person or a baby, but every time I see one, a little part of me dies inside. I feel so hopeless, so alone. I know that many people are in my situation, yet I still feel this way. I am so depressed.