Autumn

As the weather gets cooler and the holidays get closer I am filled with mixed emotions. I love this time of year, the beauty of the leaves changing colors and being able to wear sweatshirts and jeans! There are so many fun times right around the corner with Halloween, Thanksgiving, black Friday, Christmas and New Years all within a few months! But with the changing of the leaves comes the reminder of the changes of myself and others with seasonal depression. The lack of sunlight, though I thoroughly enjoy the cold weather, brings out the worst in me. I get moody and never want to leave my couch let alone the house! It is ironic, and just my luck, that my favorite seasons, Fall and Winter, are tarnished with my attitude and unwillingness to leave my house! I hate taking medication and have not done so in years. Every year, I think I can do it myself if I just stay aware of it and motivate myself, and yet every year, I fail. Last year, I used a Happy Light, yes, that is it's actual name. It did seem to help, when I used it! The thing is that I wouldn't want to get off the couch to be around it, and if it was by the couch, it would be too bright for me to enjoy the TV. Even now, as I am writing this, I am trying to think of where I went wrong and how I can make it through without medication yet again......I am hopeless!

I am on my way!

So I have lost 7 pounds since I started following some diet guidelines from the book. It doesn't sound like much, but considering in a year, I lost nothing, 7 pounds in 4 weeks is great! I have been slacking on my exercise and that is why it is going slower I am sure. I try to work out every night for at least 1/2 hour. I love to use my Wii Fit and my Dance Dance Revolution. When I use my DDR, I am usually on it for over an hour! I am still smoking though. I am trying to not smoke in my house right now. I am doing ok, though the last few days were not so good. I know once I loose more weight, and am closer to my goal, I will stop because I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel! I only have 18 more pounds to loose to go to the doctors! I am hoping to set up an appointment in October!!!!! I am really glad that PCOS has been a wake up call for me. It has also given me a rhyme and reason for my weight gain. I feel like I have more control and power now. I have been reading a lot of information and blogs about PCOS and I really have been able to feel like a normal person. One thing I know for sure is how great of a husband I have. He is so supportive and loving! My goal is to be writing in a month and informing everyone that I only have 10 pounds to go........

Getting Serious

Ok, so I always say I want a baby so bad, but yet I am having trouble doing what I need to do. Today I went out and bought a book on PCOS and wow! I mean I knew it caused a few things such as my weight gain and infertility, but I had no idea that it also causes many other things. First, and the most important to me right now, is the inability to loose weight. I have been struggling. Every time I think I am doing good, the scale says I am doing the same as before I started replacing the cookies with carrots so I give in and say forget it. Every thing from depression to anxiety to the feeling of not wanting to be in the same room as another person for no good reason is all linked to PCOS. Now for those who know me, I do not read. I am very slow at reading compared to most so I have only read the introduction and chapter one so far, but I am really glad I bought this book. In a previous post I wrote that I felt alone and that I basically felt trapped, this book has already changed that. It starts with all the basic information but then later, in chapters 6 on, it tells you how to control PCOS in all situations from hair loss to excessive hair and so forth through natural and medical treatments. The first chapter had a few short stories about women, and you could of put my name in their place and it would all be true! The book is called, "A Patient's Guide to PCOS, Understanding and Reversing Polycystic Ovary Syndrome" If you or someone you know has PCOS, buy this book. It addresses everything, not just the infertility.

More on Life

So I sat there, holding my cousins baby and I realized that babies actually make me very happy. I held him and was just taken back by the miracle he is. I guess, I think that nothing dies in me when I see pregnant women or babies. It is more that after I am done oohing and aahing, I just get so sad. I said to my husband today, it is so hard, yet there is a chance I have to live with this the rest of my life and I really need to focus more on the miracle. I was doing good until Jason held the baby. He is such a natural. He looked so right. I feel like I am robbing him of this. I started to well up so I looked away real quick. Jason kept getting my attention so that I could see something cute that the baby was doing, he had no idea of the sadness I felt. I really just do not know how so many women deal with this great sadness. In conclusion, I believe that the only time a part of me dies is when I see a mother that takes it for granted. One that doesn't take care of themselves or their baby. The other times, I just seem to think, why not me too God? I want to be a part of that miracle so badly.

Why Can't Life be Fair?

I just spent the evening in the Women's and Babies hospital. I sat there as support for my younger cousin, she is only 18. There were so many mixed emotions going through my head. I felt concern, love, happiness, self-pitty and resentment. I want so desperately to be in her place. I want a baby of my own. I am 30, married and would love nothing more then to have a baby. Why is it like this? Why does God give a baby to a child, and not to me? I want to be a good support for my cousin, someone she knows she can count on at all times, day or night, but it is so hard to not break down in tears. I want a baby so bad, but yet cannot seem to lose the weight I need to to continue to try. Why can't I have that will power? I am stuck and feel like I will never be free from this. I try to be so strong and rationalize things. I don't let people know how hard it is to see a pregnant person or a baby, but every time I see one, a little part of me dies inside. I feel so hopeless, so alone. I know that many people are in my situation, yet I still feel this way. I am so depressed.

Leaves

As a leaf in the the tree, I sway with the breeze
With hundreds more just like me.
Come out of your house, come closer to me
I am unique, that you will see.
From a far, from my voice you would not even know
What race am I, am I high or am I low?
Come closer to me, you are still way too far.
At the base of this tree, I am still just a blur.
I want to show you this tear and this hole
I might just show you something that touches your soul.
Climb up the trunk and out on the limb
There is nothing to fear it is a win-win.
We can bask in the sunlight till fall arrives.
Sharing stories and laughs, opening each other's eyes
To the beauty within and the beauty around
By true friendship then, we will be bound.

30 Was Not That Bad

Thank you to everyone who made my 30th birthday so wonderful! I had a lot fun and was so glad to see everyone at my party. Colin, my nephew, had to be the best birthday surprise though!(closely followed by the cannoli cake!) I have never been that surprised before. It was a weird feeling, everyone looking at you. I cannot believe that you all kept the secret. I am very nosey and ask a lot of questions - yet no one spilled the beans! Rachel, you are the best sister! Thank you so much for this wonderful day!



On Monday, my actual b-day, I took off with no real plans. My friend Sarah planned a fun-filled day with the help of Rachel and Amanda. I was told to dress up, I bought a new dress and had no occasion to wear it to so Sarah thought she would make one for me. We went for Pedicures and then they blindfolded me, made me wear a flashing crown and took me to.......Chuckie Cheese! It was so much fun. We must of looked like fools! Afterwards we went to the new casino - nothing like Vegas baby! Then we played mini golf.

THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART! It was so great to feel loved:)

Here's to Good Times!

I have had one of the best weeks! I have spent a lot of time with a lot of my good friends. I loved Thursday night the most! Singing and being myself - crazy! I think I found a good outlet for stressfull days - singing! Tonight I sang with Jason. Yes he actually sang! On Wednesday I left work an hour early on the spur of the moment and met Sarah for an afternoon of what turned out to be bad shopping, good ice cream and a REALLY bad movie! It was a great afternoon though. Then Jason and I met Amanda for wing night where I had the best wings ever - SOB wings. It is bar-b-que, mild and garlic all together. I spent time with Rachel - I like it when it is nice out because we can met in the back yard and just talk. Anyways, just wanted to thank everyone for a good week! I am going to miss you all this weekend as I do my homework! I cannot wait until school is over.

Michelle

I am reading a book - yes I am reading!- by Leo Buscaglia called Living Loving & Learning. My sociology teacher showed a seminar of his and I loved it. He was so enthusiastic and real. I have to admit though I am getting extra credit for this book if I can read it and write a report on it by April 15th but I am really excited about the book. He speaks of life and how to love yourself and give that love then to others. I have only read 30 pages so far, but my mind is filled with his words. He believes in teachers being guides, he was a special education teacher & administrator and also a college professor in the 1970's. This book is a compulation on his seminars throughout the 70's. I would of loved to have been at one. Just seeing the tape and how crazy he was - I wish he was my professor now! In this book he quotes a poem by a girl named Michelle. He found it in the City Lights Book Store in San Francisco. This store has a section that anyone can have a book for sale. It can be handwritten or photocopied and stapled together, it doesn't matter. I really liked the poem and would like to share it with everyone:

My Happiness is me, not you.
Not only because you may be temporary,
But also because you want me to be what I am not.
I cannot be happy when I change
Merley to satisfy your selfishness.
Nor can I feel content when you critize me for not
thinking your thoughts,
Or for seeing like you do.
You call me a rebel.
And yet each time I have rejected your beliefs
You have rebelled against mine.
I do not try to mold your mind.
I know you are trying hard enough to be just you.
And I cannot allow you to tell me what to be -
For I am concentrating on being me.
You said that I was transparent
And easily forgotten.
But why then did you try to use my lifetime,
To prove to yourself who you are?

The forward in the begining of this collection of poems stated that Michelle was only 20 when she passed and someone displayed her poems where they thought she would of wanted them to be. It states "She found it to hard to be 'just me'"The collection was called, I Am Neither A Sacrilege Or A Privilege. I May Not Be Competent or Excellent, But I Am Present.

I have no idea if this book store is still open or selling unpublished books, but I would love to go to San Francisco to see it if it still is.

I am tired of being SICK

I hardly get sick and this is very frustrating. I have been sick off and on all year so far! I want to find time to do my homework, sleep, work and spend time with my husband, family and friends. My New Years resolution was to make more time for the people I love. I have been doing that pretty half ass, just as all my other goals. I just took a test and got a 53%! I have had straight A's with minimal effort for a few years now - this class, I will be happy with a C. Anyways, this sick crap is not helping me at all. I have been sleeping since Saturday night. My bills need paid, a group project is due, and it is Valentines week! Working on writting my feelings instead of hiding behind eating and smoking is not off to a great start! Although, since I am sick, I have not eaten in two days except for some chicken broth, and had only a handful of cigaretts. I have to spend Valentines day by myself, which really sucks. I have to work until 6 and Jason has class at 7. He will be home by 9:30/10, but who wants to eat a romantic dinner, or anything else then? I know it is just a day. He said we will celebrate on Friday, but it just bothers me. Jason really does not get me and these 'made up holidays' and that may be why it bothers me so much. Plus I have not spent a nice, uniteruppted night with him since before Christmas - no, one date night. Anyways, between those two things and worring about how my 5 year Anniversary will be spent, has made me thirst for a nice, romantic something! I know Jason's heart is always in the right place, but man, does he need help in the romance area! He does, every now and then, come up with something. I need to just chill and love whatever happens. I love him and he loves me, now if we could just add a singing telegram or something! Really though, I think I just need some sign to know I am not lost in his world of work, school and World of Warcraft, but if I tell him, it is not him doing it.

Back To The Basics

The other night, I sat in my sociology class and it almost felt as if I was in therapy. What was being said was processing through my mind and layed out my bad habits in a vicous cycle before my eyes. On my drive home, I just could not shake the thoughts. I turned up my radio and tried to drown out my thoughts by singing along, but I just continued to think about my life. The class focused on family, and how what happens to anyone in your family, directly effects you. It theorized that all disorders are usually a cover-up or way to express your feelings. At first, I commented on the side of we all can make are own decicions and our family background does not have to have an effect on us. As the class went on, I realized that I could be a poster child for the theory itself.
As a child, my parents divorced. My mother worked hard going to college, working several jobs and trying to keep us afloat. I was the second child and was not always heard over my louder big sister. I began to find a way to be heard, anger. I yelled, threw tantrums, threw objects and eventually chased people with bats and knives. Somewhere along the line, I realized that my anger had to be contolled and I had to find a way out. I began to write. I didn't start off right, but I eventually grew into my writing and poured my heart and soul onto paper. At one point, my mother suggested sharing my writtings with my father, who I was desperatly trying to connect with, because he also liked to write. I found the courage to do so and he tore apart my writings. He basically told me what I was feeling was wrong and my writings, my heart and soul, were silly. I was crushed. I never wrote again, not in that manner. My anger at life had to be redirected onto another path. That is when I turned to sex, drugs and alcohol. All through highschool and through most of my Army days, I was drinking, smoking tobacco and pot, and well, getting around. I eventually met someone who taught me to love the world and life. He helped me feel I didn't deserve what I was doing to myself. At this point I was leaving the Army and heading back to everything I was trying to ignore, my life. I was lonley and didn't know what to do. Slowly, I turned to food. I hid behind food.
My life was never that bad. I had family that loved me. I just never got a grasp on who I was, and when I did, others would shut me down or I'd feel ashamed of letting anyone see it. At this point, I still had minor anger issues, still smoked tobacco, and now I was eating and gaining weight fast. In the past 8 years, I have slowly found my voice. Recently, I was so intuned and proud of who I was that I began to lose weight, stop smoking and reconnecting with people that I had lost touch with. I began to live life for me and my husband. But it all came crassing down with just a little bit of stress, and feeling of worthlessness. I gained back weight, starting smoking more then I ever have, and began hiding again. I knew this was not what I wanted, but I didn't know how to get out of it. Then this class gave me an idea. A possible reasoning behind my behaviors. A chance to become a human-doing again instead of a human-being.
Looking at everything I used to express myself, I found one positive outlet, my writing. I have often thought of writing again, but have always been to afraid to put my heart and soul in black and white again. Even as I write this, I read and reread after every thought, worried that I may sound odd. I am determined to put it all aside, and write as often as I can. So here's to many more entries in my blog. Here's to grasping onto who I am and who I want to be.